SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.]

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking trough bottom of empty glass.

ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.

FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.

ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and flourscent light strip across it.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION REQUIRED: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.

FAULT: The Bar is closing.

ACTION REQUIRED: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.

FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.

ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.